Refractions

Saturday, April 23, 2005

Be careful what you wish for

On Thursday, we signed the papers with our realtor Stacy....it's official. We are selling our teeny, tiny house...the house of darkness.

Funny how it is seeing it through someone else's eyes. I have come to loathe this small dark house. But when Stacy walks through the door, her first words are "This is way better than you told me." Okay, so maybe my view of the house is refracted. She sees a cute lake cottage. She sees the possiblities in the new porch and the gardens. She loves our very restricted view of the lake from the 3 season porch(between the neighbors houses, over the chain link fence....that patch of blue is the lake). She oohs over our big yard and okays the landscaping.

She does confirm my worst fear that the house will need to be painted. DH insists that he will do this himself, because that was his college job and also to save as much $$$ as possible. My fear is that between work and the child taxi service we both run, this will not get done. It will be an excuse for DH to back out of the sale.

Stacy tells us that we should paint the house either all white or yellow with white trim. DH cringes at the yellow. It reminds me of a statement he made when we were preparing for Brianna's baby shower...."I don't care what you buy...just NO yellow." Guess what that kid's favorite color is. It seems almost symbolic his dislike of yellow....that no happiness be allowed in. How appropriate that we currently live in a grey house. DH leaves it up to me to decide on the color. Stacy and I assure him that the yellow will be subtle...more of a buttercream and it is decided. Sometime in May, my house will be yellow.

We head through the front door and Stacy oohs and aahs as we enter. The teeny, tiny entry gives you the grand view of my livingroom and open kitchen. She loves my sage green walls, floral sofas, painted wood tables, and wood laminate floor. The style is not the cool contemporary or asian style that is so popular on the decorating shows that I watch. But hey this is the midwest and this is a tiny lakeview cottagey home so cottage style was the only thing that looked right. She proclaims this is the best room of the whole house. I feel relief. I feel like my hard work to brighten this dark room has somehow paid off. I feel there is hope to be free, for brighter tomorrows.

We move through the house. A new stove for the kitchen. On to the 3 season porch. The horrid roller shades and valances are to go. This is the only remnant of the previous owners' love affair with country blue. DH protests. He has his computer out here and loves to have all the shades down. He loves to keep my sun porch as dark as possible. Stacy explains that they make the house look dated. They are all to go and not be replaced. I am secretly loving this, but look bored. She oohs and aahs over my red wood chairs and glider buried under the kids' toys. I point out my Pier 1 coordinating chair pads and pillows just to watch her delighted reaction again.

Moving on to the bathroom...my stamped shells from my Stampin' Up! demonstrator days must be painted over. The girls' pink room with the stenciled roses and fairy wallies must be changed, too. I am sad about this...the girls are not. This is very pink girly room was painted before it was found out that the 2 occupants are not-so girly girls. Brianna requests the color "buckskin." She still has not given up the idea of moving to Texas to become a cowgirl.

The master bedroom requires no paint...much to my disappointment. The blueberry stencils I did in the mid 90's are staying. I see all my mistakes and cringe. I went with white walls and stencils after a very misguided attempt at ragging. I just want to paint it all sky blue, but it is not to be. Stacy approves of my bedroom furniture...pottery barn rip-offs, bought at the outlet mall. Just new curtains are in order here, but they must be fabulous as they will be seen from the street.

A tour through the basement reveals that Stacy loves my wicker and painted furniture stored down there. She is almost making me believe that I have good taste. She proclaims our clutter is not overwhelming, just misplaced. Whatever that means. I take it as a good sign.

Two hours later contract signed, she leaves me feeling hopeful. 3 days later, I am worried. My wish to move has come true. My prayer has been answered. But I am fearful with all the work to be done...it is going to get overwhelming for DH and it's all over. I will be stuck in the dark.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Isolation

Isolation...not only does the person with depression isolate themselves, but they create an environment of isolation.

We were live could be described as isolated. We are in an old neighborhood of lake homes that are being slowly torn down and replaced with bigger houses. Even people who live in our "development," don't know where our street is. This is the place where DH really wanted to live. This is the house he lobbied for when we were buying a first house.

We are an outer, outer ring suburb...if you can call it that. That means lots of driving for me...driving to drama and soccer 4x week. Not to mention driving the girls to friends' houses, because there are few kids in our neighborhood. That allows him to isolate himself further. I never get know our neighbors, because I am seldom. More isolation for my depressive DH. I am not home. It takes me at least a half hour to go anywhere. I live in my car.

I am also isolated from new people, because I am trying to respect his privacy. There is still a stigma about depression...especially in men. I feel like I am being disloyal if I mention it...but it is a huge part of our lives. So, I can't be too close to anyone.

Depression drains his energy...so little gets done around the house. I am gone running and he is home on the computer or sleeping. If we make plans with another couple, he will back out last minute. So we have no couple type friends.

I am jealous of my friends that live in real neighborhoods...with kids for their kids to play with...that have garage parties...that have neighbors as friends...that don't have to drive what seems like a million miles a week....that don't plan their shopping by child's activity.

I don't want to be isolated anymore. I have found the perfect development 10 mins. from our house...lots of kids...close to schools, our health clinic, my hairdresser, Target. He wants to move further out...where the school will be farther away...the drive to work will be longer...where we will be more isolate. I can't let that happen. We need to be closer in....we can't allow him to isolate us any further.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Intro - the mission of my madness

It happened all of a sudden...I found out about blogs and began reading them. For hours....when I should've been doing other things like working or housework. I am captivated, fascinated. I cannot turn away.

All of this has got me thinking. What if I could use a blog for my own good?

I have been struggling with a number of things over the past 3 years: my husband's Seasonal Affective Disorder aka SAD aka Winter Depression and it's effect on me; losing and gaining weight, my Christian faith, and my busy life as a working mom. Now I am on a new weight loss journey using the LA Weight Loss method. But after spending the money, I am hit with the realization that if I don't deal with some of my issues, any weight I lose will return. It happened once and it will happen again, if I don't do something to stop it.

This is my step I am taking to stop it. Instead of getting upset and going to the fridge...I am going to my blog. I am going to deal with stuff head on. No more food stuffing my emotions. I am going to let myself feel those bad feelings if I need to...get them out here.

Why the title Refractions? Depression has been part of my life for forever. Not mine but people I love...I suspect my mother had it when I was young, my sister struggles with this on and off, my best friend has the reverse of SAD...depression in the summer, normal in the winter, and my beloved husband. Depression make people see things skewed...refracted.